Kevin Leman has four daughters and forty years as a psychologist, and Be the Dad She Needs You to Be: The Indelible Imprint a Father Leaves on His Daughter’s Life is built almost entirely on those two facts. Thomas Nelson published it in May 2014. It runs 247 pages.
The argument
Leman’s claim is blunt: a girl learns what to expect from men by watching one man, and that man is you. How she reads attention, what she settles for, whether she thinks she has to earn affection. He thinks most fathers grasp this in the abstract and almost none of them act on it, because the daily work of it is unglamorous and the results are twenty years out.
From there it is practical. Show up at the thing. Ask the second question after she gives you the one-word answer. Notice her out loud when she has not done anything impressive. Do not let the relationship become a series of corrections. Discipline without withdrawing affection, which is the part most men find hardest.
The chapters on the teenage years are the strongest, mostly because Leman is honest that a father’s instinct at that stage is to back off, and that backing off is usually the exact wrong move.
What kind of book it is, honestly
This is a psychologist’s book with a Christian publisher, not a book of biblical teaching. Leman writes from a Christian worldview and the ethic is consistent with it, but there is very little Scripture in here and no chapter that works through a text. An earlier version of this review said the book “draws on Scriptures to reinforce” its points. That overstates it considerably.
We also could not verify that it contains reflection prompts or family discussion questions, which the old review claimed. If those matter to you, look at the preview before you buy.
None of this is a criticism of the book. It is a criticism of how it was sold on this page. Take it as good, experienced, common-sense counsel about daughters from a man who has spent his career on it, and you will get your money’s worth.
Where it is weak
Leman writes in anecdotes, and the anecdotes tend to resolve neatly. Real fathering is messier than his stories suggest, and a dad in a genuinely hard situation, an estranged daughter, a daughter in crisis, will find the tone too breezy for what he is carrying.
The humour is also a matter of taste. Leman is a jokey writer and it is either warm or grating depending on the reader.
Which edition
The listing here is the Kindle edition. There are hardcover, paperback and audiobook editions under separate listings, so check what is in your cart if you want a physical copy.
Who should read it
A father of a daughter under about sixteen who knows he is coasting. It is an easy read and you will finish it, which is not true of most parenting books, and you will come out with two or three specific things to do this week.
If you want the theology of fatherhood, this is not that book, and it does not pretend to be.
Be the Dad She Needs You to Be on Amazon (Kindle edition)